Please let me (Libby) apologize that we have not done a good
job on keeping up with updating the blog.
We have been way busy with a kindergartner, a preschooler, and just
life. I have had many people ask me
lately on how my health is. To be
honest, I think about it all the time. I
am in a constant state of awe and reverence on how God has truly not only restored
me but has gone above and beyond what I could ever imagine. I am so thankful to just be able to do wife and
mommy things that even I forget that I was ‘sick’. The best compliment I have heard these past
months has been, “There is no way you had cancer! You don’t look sick.” Well, I appreciate that but I was and am
getting better every day.
So back to these
past couple of months. First of all, I
want to ask forgiveness if you thought I was in any way dodging or ignoring you
in some form. For the first time, I was
in a very dark place and was very conflicted in my reality. You see…November 1st I went in to
have a CT scan for my checkup. When that
one came back there were ‘questionable spots’.
So of course, with my history, the ball got to rolling on another test
on November 20th. As Chad,
the kids, and I sat in that room and heard the doctor say, “I cannot tell you 100%
that the cancer is or is not back. We
will have to have a biopsy.” Well right
there my heart skipped a beat. Then he
continued to have that hard conversation of ‘what ifs’. There is a new procedure
that would use my own T cells, but that would put me in the hospital for 2
weeks. Ummmm….that is where for the
first time in this entire cancer journey I cried hard in front of the doctor
and my favorite nurse. I could not
imagine going back to the hospital for any length of time. The kids are starting to pick up and ask
questions. Separation is hard sometimes
when they are not sure where I am going or when I will be back. I had to quiet my heart just to get to the
car. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to
sort through all of this. I wanted to
yell at God and try to figure out why. I
wanted to just cry out and tell Him that “I have done this!! We have all done
this!!! Why is this even coming up?!?!” As Mommies, we all know that sometimes you don’t
get those moments. I had to buck up and
carry on as I heard “I need to go potty.
I am hungry. Can we have fun
supper!?” Maybe this was good for me
just to carry on with my routine. As we got
into the car, Chad gave me the biggest hug and smile. He gets me. He knew exactly what to do…give
me a wink and a cheeseburger! Now the waiting begins.
That was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. The goal was to just lay low. That is where I apologize for not saying anything. You see…if I started to talk or even think about
it out loud, I would cry. The darkness
of those hospital days came over me. I
had to for the first time in my life consciously pull myself out of a dark
spiral. I began reading the book by Lysa
TerKerust, It is not supposed to be this way. She made a statement, “News is not the truth.”
In my heart, I knew…I believed…I lived knowing my God was good and in control, but
my head and circumstances were hard.
What was going on? Did I not learn/do something right the first time? Not
having answers was hard. Well, the meeting with the surgeon was on Dec
14th. He was going to do a
biopsy on a lymph node in my neck, but when I was in his office, he could not
find it! After talking, we realized it was probably lit up on the scan because
I had a cold that day. They all kept
reassuring me that it could be my lymph nodes waking up after the stem cell
transplant. As much as I wanted to
believe that, I had to wrestle with and be OK WITH going 100% with what God had
planned for all of this. He scheduled a laparoscopic
biopsy for Dec 31st. YAY!!
That is the way to start New Years. Asleep
due to pain meds wondering if your entire family’s life will be upside down
again. On the way to the hospital E
asked me, “Mommy, are you going to be bald again?” It took everything in me not to just cry. Then
one of the limitations after the biopsy was I could not pick up my kids. As we went to the post op visit, B asked if
the doctor would finally tell me that it was ok to pick her up. I
never wanted my kids to have to ever think of these things. But this is their reality too.
Well, I had the biopsy done.
Again, with the waiting. On Jan 7th,
I was dressed in a cute black dress ready to take Chad out for his birthday
when we got the call. “Libby, it is not
back!!!” I started to cry. It is funny…my
journey began with the doctor telling me about my cancer in the kitchen and
then now I get the news in the kitchen too.
But wait…that is not the best part.
At my post op I found out that it was…not only fat…but DEAD FAT!! Who
would have ever thought that!??! It is a thing.
Focal Necrosis. My fat could have
been traumatized during radiation or chemo.
Who knows and who cares! Today I embrace the fat!!
As you can tell, it has been a roller coaster of months for
us. But no matter what I can say that my God is good and He is faithful. I learned a lot about myself during these
past couple of months. There have been
some great things that God has put on my heart and somethings that He will be
working on me still. But one thing that He
showed me was stopping, listening, and being intentional. As His children, He so lavishly wants to love
on us. He wants to show us how much and
how big His love is for us. I know there
are people out there hurting. I know that
in my world there are friends hurting. Please
know this….I am here for you. Chad and I
are here for you. But most importantly…God
is here for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment