Healing in God's Time

     For the first time during this entire process, I (Libby) felt like I should share my feelings going through all of this.  This post will not have any new news or medical timeline and I am going to go ahead and apologize if it is not theologically correct in some aspects.  It is me being real and honest with you and what has been going on in my heart and mind for the past 7 months.
 
     As I was making lunch for the kids in February, I got a phone call that would shake my world to the core.  "We think it is non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and you have to go get a biopsy."  I just remembering hanging up the phone, looking at the kids, and falling to my knees praying they were not right.  How was I going to tell chad?  How was I going to tell my mom?  How was I going to tell my sisters?  All I wanted at that moment was to be in Chad's arms coming up with a plan.  Well, on March 25th, it was confirmed and we had a plan.  Eight rounds of RCHOP chemo.  We would be done by fall.  "Ok," I thought... "this is doable.  I can handle this.  It is a plan and it is non-terminal.  We got this."  We started this process and I was "OK" with all of it.  The Mommy/wife in me was scared to death, but the little girl who accepted Jesus at a young age kept me calm and close to His side each step of the way.    Before we even knew the results, God showed me Proverbs 3:5-8.  We all know that we are to trust Him and submit our ways to Him, but it was verse 8 that calmed every fear I had.  Verse 8 states, "This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones." Done.  I was going to be healed.  This was a new territory for all of us.  The verse Romans 8:26 kept flooding over me "....the spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God."  I remember sitting and praying, without understanding, but seeing how God was working it all out.  Remember, we have a plan.  Eight rounds of chemo, then I am done.
   
      Oh what I would do to go back to that plan.  As you might be aware, things have gotten a little more complicated. This new extra chemo has taken a toll on my body and my spirit.  I have been ok with loosing my hair.  I have been ok with loosing my eyelashes and even my nose hairs. Last weekend, however, cancer took a first from me... being a mommy and wife. First of all, my kiddos got sick.  The toughest thing I had to do was look at my child and tell him that mommy had to go to the hospital for her 'medicine' instead of taking him to the doctor.  Now, I know that I have a WONDERFUL husband who is capable and willing to take the kids to the doctor.  But, sitting in the hospital bed knowing that they both had ear aches and were about to be on antibiotics broke my heart.      I am sitting in a hospital bed hooked up to drugs that make me feel yucky and all I want to do is be a mommy. I kept telling God, the one thing that I love doing more than anything is now being messed with due to cancer.  My heart began to to think about the 3 week hospital stay for my upcoming stem-cell transplant.  How can I not be a mommy or wife then?  Why are you asking me to do this?  You know I love You and will do anything, but this, really God??!  He had to remind me that this is all for His glory.  I dried my eyes and then began to listen into the hallway at different patients and their journeys.  I was humbled.  I have been blessed way more than I can ever imagine through this.  Then came the next weekend.   I got my first fever during this process.  We had an entire day planned out.  It was all put on hold because of my sickness.  I got really upset thinking again cancer was taking something important away from me.
     
       This past Thursday, I had to have a blood transfusion.  I was told that I would need 2 units of blood at most.  If after the 1st unit, my counts were good we would not have to have the 2nd unit.  I prayed, "God, could I have a small miracle, please?"  I had faith... He could do it.  I had people from all over praying for me. God's answer? Well, not only did I have to have 2 units, but I had to come in the next day and get one more.    

       Why?  I have been on my knees praying for healing.  I have had others praying for my healing.  In His word it promises when two or more are gathered, things happen.   I believe You can heal me. I see in Your word where Your promises are true.  You have shown me that I will be healed. Why have I not been healed yet?  A line in Chris Tomlin's song comes to mind "You hold my healing in your hand."  Sometimes I wish He would just give it to me!  But, when I begin to sit and think of all He has done and shown me through this, I am humbled.  He chose me.  He wanted me to know Him in a new way.  Do not get me wrong.  There are nights I look at Chad with tears in my eyes and wonder, "When will my prayers get answered."  We both laugh and think about how it took 27 years of me praying to have my family I have now.

        As we near the end of this journey, which I know it is coming, my faith will continue to say "IT IS WELL". There are still tough days ahead covered in many tears but my God will be there holding me through it.  If I never understand why, I can say this... My God is a good God and He loves me.

         Please know that I have appreciated all of the cards, meals, words of encouragement, etc.  I have been truly humbled by the outpouring.  Please know that I have prayed for you also.  I also appreciate how real and honest friends have let me be.  This has not been a lot of fun, but there have been many blessings.  I am also going to use this time publically say thank you to my wonderful husband who has stuck to his vows 10000%.  I thank God every day for him.  To my mother,  sisters, and their families.  They have sacrificed so much helping me with childcare and loving on me even when it meant their lives were on hold.  Friendship has taken an entire new level in my book.  I pray that through all of  this I will be a better friend.  I love you all and again thank you for giving me this time to share.